My liver just broke up with me...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
