A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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