i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
