He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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