Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
