If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
