I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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