hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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