I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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