i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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