I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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