I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
