First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
