Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
