I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
