so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm really busy with my period
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