I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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