**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
