it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
