I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
