I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
