I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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