We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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