i would punch a child for taco bell
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
