It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
