someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
