I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
