Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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