Ketchup is God's man juice
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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