I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
