Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
