Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
