If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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