It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
