i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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