If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
