my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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