Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
