I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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