I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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