My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
