OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
