a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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