what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
