Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
