my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
