Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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