you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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