I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
