his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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