My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Also, beer. Big fan.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
