Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
