i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My vagina is officially offended.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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